[Warning: This long post is personal in nature and deals with some of what God has been teaching me lately.  For the standard fluff, come back some other time…]

The last few days I think I have purposefully been avoiding this place (meaning, the blog). It’s a strange thing to admit and a stranger thing to unpack. But I’ll try nonetheless…

I’ve been reading quite a bit lately. Trying to finish off all those books I own that somehow never got read. I wanted to start off with something good and inspiring so I re-read Donald Miller’s Searching for God Knows What. I know that technically doesn’t fall under the category of "uncompleted" works since I read it once already, but I needed motivation.

The problem with reading Donald Miller is that he makes you think about things…and so I started thinking about many of the ideas that he presented in that book. Specifically, I started thinking about motivation. In very brief terms, Miller poses the following argument.

   
1. Man is designed to be in relationship with God.

   

2. Man broke that relationship (terribly) by sinning against God in the Garden.

   

3. Because that relationship is broken our most fundamental sense of value and belonging was also broken. We don’t know who we are.

   

4. In an attempt to regain that "value" or find that meaning outside of God, mankind has turned to other things, namely finding his value based on comparing himself to others. Miller calls this theory" the lifeboat." This lifeboat thinking permeates every part of human life and culture and has lead to untold misery throughout time. It continues today.

   

5. The only salvation we have from this lifeboat mentality (i.e. who’s the most valuable person based on our jury of peers and where do I stand in the lineup) is to realize that Christ came to rectify that love relationship between man and God and essentially to destroy the lifeboat mentality altogether. He turns it upside down and shows it to be a complete farce.

Now that’s a simplistic definition of a much more involved and artfully crafted work. But it helps with my explanation. I guess in re-reading that book I realized how much of my motivation is based on how I am viewed by others (or how I want to be viewed by others.)

I like writing this blog. It’s great in that it gives me an outlet to share my experience, it provides a forum for me to share my family’s adventure, and it helps me use a "gift" that I need to use in order to honor God. But is that really why I do it?

That’s the question I was faced with when I saw myself in the lifeboat. Don’t I also like it because I find a sense of being or self-esteem in doing it–knowing that others are reading? Don’t I like being liked by others because of ideas I present, stories I tell, etc.

I’m just being honest. I started thinking about how I like to see my "hit counter" rising every week. I like the verbal confirmation from family and friends. I like it that PRAISE results from funny stories or pictures of my daughters that I post. (I know this all sounds so me-o-centric and maybe like I’m making a mountain of a mole hill, but follow with me for a few more minutes…)

Anyway, I guess I just realized that there is a certain element of pride that comes from writing here and I want to be cautious about that. It may sound silly to you (it’s just a blog, Todd!), but I really want my value to be coming from the right place. I want that love relationship from God to be driving everything that I do.

Moving here to Asia I feel as if we have been "stripped" of much of who we were externally in America (for example, our identity in our community, workplace, church, culture, etc.) It has been a bit shocking to see what’s left of us inside that God wants to work with. It’s not always pretty, but it’s good to lift the rock sometimes and see what’s crawling around underneath.

So, I’ve been trying to keep better tabs on why I am writing (blogging) and remember where my identity comes from…

Then, I finished reading Richard Foster’s Freedom of Simplicity and that took me into another dimension of thought regarding not only my motivation, but my day-to-day Christian life and disciplines. I won’t even attempt to summarize that book, but I will say that my eyes were opened to the fact everything in this world is pushing us towards busyness (essentially slavery) and away from nurturing and receiving the abundant life of Christ.  A life of simplicity.

Obviously, there were many applications to my life that I am still processing, but regarding the blog, I felt like this book showed me how blogging had moved out of the realm of the light-hearted into the realm of serious labor and commitment. It sounds so strange to say this. It sounds like I am one of those people who spend 36 hours a day on the Internet. That’s not the case, but I definitely felt like there was an internal pressure to write every day. Not necessarily because I wanted to, but because I had to. Where does that come from? An obligation towards busyness. For the first time, it seemed a bit like I was enslaved to it.

But the rational mind says, "Oh, that’s ridiculous. You need to blog. It’s therapy for you. People want to hear from you. It’s good. It’s necessary." Thanks, Mr. Screwtape.  I’ll make note of that…

But we know that blogging (writing, etc.) in and of itself is not evil. Most things aren’t evil in and of themselves, but they become so when abused. I also came to the realization that in this world that we live in (fast-paced, unconcerned for the soul, entertainment-oriented, ad nauseum) there are so many other things that control us (specifically speaking only of myself):

E-mails (could I go a week without checking mine without going berserk?)
Information (What’s going on in the world? How’s my team doing?)
My stomach (Do I have to have a snack every day?  Why is fasting two meals so difficult?)
Needs vs. Wants (What kinds of things do I really need to buy? How much have I spent on watching movies vs. helping the poor this year?!? Ouch! That really hurts the conscience…)

I could go on, but Richard Foster does a better job than me and you might want to check out his book.

So what does all this mean? Is the yetispeak finished? Am I going to be joining the monkhood with my family of four? Am I just going through some kind of guilt trip or something? Am I over-reacting?

No.

I guess I’m just feeling challenged to live better and more like Christ.  What that looks like for me remains to be seen. I think it is very important for me to keep writing (and there would be a suburban Seattle uprising if I stopped posting pictures of the girls for sure!) But I think I need to share the journey with you as openly and honestly as I can. I think that makes for good writing and reflective reading.

In closing, I wanted to share a quote from the current book I’m finishing, Mustard Seed Vs. McWorld, which addresses how the church needs to address the problems inherrant in globalization. I’m closing with this because I think in some ways it speaks to exactly what I’m going through in processing some of these ideas. Namely, Jesus was radical and our lives need to mimic his and nothing and no one else. We can’t do so if we’re too busy or if we’re so concerned with finding our value in other people.  I feel like I justify my behavior so much, instead of just doing what he said. With that thought, enjoy!:

"Christians spend a lot of time and energy explaining why Jesus couldn’t have meant what he said. This is understandable; Jesus was an extremist and we are all moderates. What’s worse, he was an extremist in his whole life–not just in the narrowly spiritual areas but in everything–so we have to find ways to dilute his teachings." Original quote was taken from John Alexander.