I’ve been re-reading Brennan Manning’s The Ragamuffin Gospel again.  Reading it this time I’ve decided I need to read this book every few years for my own spiritual health.  It is such a good book to come back to because it reminds me of what grace is like.

It reminds me that God loves me…just because. 

Manning has a way of pulling back all the masks and showing how destitute we ALL really ARE and how He loves us in spite of this.  He loves us (for his own mysterious reasons) because we are destitute and desperate people.

It’s amazing how quickly I can get into a mode where I think I am actually earning His love. I am making Him happy.  I am "doing things" or "living in a way" that compels Him to love me more.  I am making sacrifices, therefore I am gaining merit…right?

Wrong.  It’s impossible and ridiculous.

But what’s beautiful about this age-old truth (that his love can’t be earned or bought) is that we are loved COMPLETELY in our poverty, brokenness, and shame.  We can’t put ourselves into a position where He can love us any more.  It’s not up to us.  It never was.

As I’ve been turning my attention back to His grace and trying to just receive His love in my own failure, misconceptions, and sin I think I am a lot like Will from Good Will Hunting.  I am Will and God is (like) Robin Williams character–helping me see the truth.

God: Todd, I love you…

Me: (A little reticent) Oh, I know, Lord.

God: (More persistent) Todd, I really love you.

Me: (More reticent) I know…I know.

God: (Firm) Todd, I love you.

Me: (Wavering) Lord, I know! You don’t have to tell me. (Backing away.)

God: (Coming closer, turning his palms up so I can see the reflection of the light on his scars…) Todd, I love you.  See.

Me: (Getting angry, frightened, crying) Lord!  Don’t do this.  I
know.  Stop.  Don’t mess with me.  Not you.  It’s OK.  Really. Stop it!

God: (Embracing me) But Todd, I love you.

Me: (Weeping and sobbing) Lord, I know….

And I know that I’m a big, fat sinner with poles swinging from my
pupils.  I know that I put on a face that looks much better to the
public than it does to my mirror.  I know that my motives are like
paint that I’ve been mixing so long I’m not sure what color will show
up when I paint it onto the walls.  I know that I am lacking in love
and grace and humility. I fear for my kids sometimes because I know the
gene pool that they are swimming in. 

At night sometimes I listen to Sufjan Stevens song John Wayne Gracy, Jr. and it haunts me because I know that there is not much that separates me (or anyone) from the worst kind of serial killer (And in my best behavior I am really just like him / Look beneath the floorboards for the secrets I have hidden.)

And yet His grace abounds all the more.  He has a ravaging, relentless love for me.  ME!?!  (He does for you too.  If you can forgo the pretending, let go of the masks, stop trying so hard, and just accept it.  Realize your position and His position and see everything as GRACE.)

Anyway, I really needed to come back to this (again and again.)  I am loved by the Eternal.  I’ll close with a quote from Manning (quoting someone else I think?):

"…our response to the love of Jesus demands trust.  Do we rely on our resume or the gospel of grace?  How do we cope with failure?  ‘Grace tells us that we are accepted just as we are.  We may not be the kind of people we want to be, we may be a long way from our goals, we may have more failures than achievements, we may not be wealthy or powerful or spiritual, we may not even be happy, but we are nonetheless accepted by God, held in his hands.  Such is his promise to us in Jesus Christ, a promise we can trust.’ "