Halloween snuck up on me this year.  If I was in America, I have no doubt we would have taken the girls to a pumpkin patch, drank some apple cider, and gorged on "candy corn". 

The highlight for me, the past few years, has been the annual carving of the jack o’ lantern.  Some notable creations from past years (I wish I had the digital photos) that I attempted: The Grinch, a Tyrannosaurs Rex head, Munch’s painting "The Scream" (head only), and Darth Vader (head only).

This year it seems doubtful that I will go to all the trouble.  The only pumpkins I found last year at our local market were softball-sized green pumpkins that would most likely dull our carving knives long before I could finish the work. 

But because I feel it a necessity to give Halloween a nod (in some fashion), I’ve decided to post a short list of things that terrify me here in Xining:

1. Public restrooms.  If you will, imagine the worst truck stop / convenience store restroom you’ve encountered in your home country.  Now imagine it without toilets.  Picture a hole in the floor with a bit of ceramic slapped around it.  Throw in a few troughs (if you’re male).  Take away the toilet paper and pine-scented urinal "pucks" (if you’re male).  Now imagine that the minimum-wage employees who occasionally glanced at said "restroom" have all been (excuse the pun) canned.  Add toxic stink.  Voila!  (I can see the cold sweat glistening on your forehead already.)
2. Cross-walks.  It’s so deceptively re-assuring when you see them painted on the black-topped Xining streets.  I want to hold a sign that says, "I WANT TO BELIEVE," like you see at some sporting events.  I can almost picture myself as Michael Jackson in the Billie Jean video stepping on each rectangular spot as it lights up with a fluorescent glow.  And then I come to my senses and remember where I am.  I see the true Frogger outcome of putting my trust in the simple white stripes… (Splat.)
3. Manhole covers.  They are everywhere here and (try as I might to avoid them) I often find myself stepping on them unaware.  When this happens my response is usually the worst reaction possible…I freeze.  Instead of thinking of these manhole covers as potential bottomless pits opening before me, I instinctively think of them as land mines that I have no wish to detonate.  One of these days…it’s down to the depths of Sheol, if I’m not more careful.
4. My landlady.  (Ughhhh, that just made my skin crawl.)  It’s awkward when she comes over; I’m not sure where to put her broom–kitchen or coat rack?  (Sorry, I have to go repent for that one…)
5. Red signs with Chinese characters painted in black ink.  These ominous signs are often harbingers of doom.  No water!  No electricity!  Calamity! Chaos!  Fear!  Abandon all hope all ye who enter here!
6. Door-to-door shampoo salesmen.  They are a wily and crafty sort, but they usually take one look at my scraggly hair, goatee, and big nose and (like garlic to a vampire) hiss, shield their face, and run.
7. The friendly neighborhood Village of the Damned Hello’s.  If you’ve seen the creepy 1960 (?) film with the blond kids with the big round eyes and stoic faces, just picture them in photo-negative.  But instead of having the power to read/control minds, these dark-haired, dark-eyed versions will only plague you with incessant and echoing "halloes" as you walk by on the street.   It’s OK if you pass by only one of two of them, but if you find yourself facing a PACK of them, you’d better watch out!  It’s quite a chilling experience…
8. The Oreo Which He Hath Deemed An Abomination.  If you are not paying attention you might walk into a convenience store here pick up a cylindrical shaped pack of cookies with blue and white coloring.  If you are a foreigner and you are new to Xining, you might just mistake this item for Oreo cookies (even though the brand name is in Chinese).  You may even make the mistake of putting one of these round black objects filled with the cushy white filling inside your mouth.  If you did this, you would immediately realize your mortal sin.  For the rest of the month you’d be forced to live in a tent outside of the village until the purification rites were fully observed.  You would NEVER EVER make that unpardonable mistake again!  (It has been rumored that certain "cruel" parents in this area actually tried to pass these Oreo-abominations off on their kids…just as a test.  Their kids wouldn’t even come near the tainted cookies.  Our kids had no such qualms.)  Why touch the unclean counterfeit when the REAL thing can be bought here in Xining?  I read more carefully these days.
9. Toothless but friendly, elderly, speakers of Qinghaihua (Qinghai dialect).  The friendly ones are the ones I’m scared of because they actually try to talk to me AND seem a little disappointed when I reply with, "Huh?!?"  I can’t understand a word of it, so I usually just reply in slurred Luvallehua (Louisville, KY dialect.)  We have this kinetic thing going on.  It’s amazing.
10. Tones.  They change the number "4" into the word "death".  They make "kiss" out of the word "ask".  They have you "buying" or "selling" all within the fluctuations of the EXACT SAME sound.  In my nightmares, I am chased by this four-headed beast; a monster embodied in sound (high, rising, dipping, falling) and in its hands it holds a scythe and GRAMMAR is its name.

There are things to fear in Xining.  Things of untold terror.