When I was a kid I enjoyed Choose Your Own Adventure books.  In these books you read a narrative in which you become the main character and usually at the end of each chapter you have a decision to make.   Much like in real life as you make each new decision your “story” follows a certain course.  You meet your destiny!

To enter the dark cave go to Page 12.
To return to the castle go to Page 15.

I can’t count the number of times my “character” died because of the fearless (foolhardy?) decisions I would make in these books.  Sorry, you were just mauled by a bear in the cave you stepped in!  Stop reading or start over.

But besides pointing out to every English teacher you ever had from elementary school on that there is such a thing as writing in the 2nd person, what is the greatest thing about Choose Your Own Adventure books anyway?  I think it’s getting to take the big risks.

My big risk lately was going by myself to get a physical done so that I can get a work permit and visa for this next year.  But that’s my story.  You can choose your own adventure below:

1. You have been living in central China and studying Mandarin for the past two years.  You now have a great opportunity to do something a bit more interesting in a Tibetan village not too far away.  But in order to do this you will have to apply for a new visa which will involve passing a Chinese physical.

• If you can’t be bothered to get the physical at all, STOP now.  You are a disgrace to adventurers everywhere.  “Surfing” the net is probably as extreme as it gets for you.  Be careful not to overexert yourself with your next cross-stitching project.
• If you (are a yellah-bellied coward) think it would be better to take a Chinese friend to the clinic with you for translation, proceed to #10
• If you are an independent person of courage who is not afraid to take on a little personal humiliation to get the job done, proceed to #2.

2. Well done, adventurer.  At the appropriate time you hop on the #102 bus and head directly to the hospital with the English name that includes the words “Foreigner” and “Quarantine” in the title.  This does not dissuade you in the least.   Your quest awaits you.  As you approach the entrance to the Foreigner Quarantine hospital, a Chinese man in a uniform approaches you.

• If you wish to run and hide in the nearest alley, proceed to #10
• If you wish to attempt communication with the uniformed man, proceed to #3

3. The uniformed man informs you that you are entering through the wrong door.  He kindly redirects you to the appropriate entrance saving you a half hour you would have otherwise wasted in the wrong room.  In the lobby you see many Chinese people lined up outside of various doorways.  You decide to enter the first door on the right that is marked “Consultation”.  Inside the room a Chinese woman in a lab coat asks how she can help you.  You have done your homework and know how to say “physical checkup” in Chinese.  She hands you paperwork to fill in.

• If you remembered to bring multiple passport photos and 368 RMB proceed to #4.
• If you forgot to bring the passport and/or the money with you, proceed to #11

4. Well played, adventurer.  Having filled in your paperwork (with your photo pasted to it) and paid your fee, you are now ready to have your physical.  The lady in the lab coat guides you to the first door with a crowd of Chinese people gathered around it.  She brings you to the front of the line to have blood drawn.

• If you are not comfortable skipping to the front of the line and wish to “wait your turn”, proceed to #10
• If you have no qualms about getting the VIP treatment, proceed to #5.

5. Having filled a vial with your own blood (without passing out!), you take your paperwork out into the hall.  The lab coated lady guides you to the next room for a chest X-ray.  A white-haired X-ray technician takes your form and makes small talk with you in heavily accented Chinese.  He asks you to press your chest against a scanner (of some sort) where the X-ray will be taken.  Using Chinese and a subtle form of charades he asks you to take a deep breath when taking the X-ray.  You ask him when to take this deep breath and he points to a speaker sitting on the floor.  He then asks you if you understand.

• If you wish to pretend like you understand (even though you are NOT totally clear) and just hope for the best, proceed to #6.
• If you wish to admit to this man that you don’t totally understand and would like a clearer explanation, proceed to #10

6. Excellent.  You are a very clever problem-solver.  When the X-ray technician left the room, turned on the static-filled speaker, and spoke with you, you took a deep breath and held it until he came back into the room.  The X-ray was taken and you are free to proceed to the next challenge.  You follow the crowd of patients up to the second floor.  On the way up the stairs, a different woman in a lab coat guides you to a room where your height, weight, and blood pressure are taken.  She hands you a metal object that looks like a ladle and guides you into the hall.  Opening a different door, she tells you to stand in the hall and then shows you a Vision chart (hanging about 15 feet away!) inside the room.  Applying the metal ladle to one eye, you proceed to take the vision test.  After the vision test, you then are subjected to a color blindness test.

• If you are color blind, proceed to #12
• If you are not color blind, proceed to #7.

7.  You’re almost there!  Not far to go now.  After checking spine, chest, lungs, and extremities, the doctor takes you across the hall to get an ECG.  The technician asks you to raise your shirt so she can stick suction cup thingies to your chest.

• If you would describe yourself as a hairy mammoth, proceed to #8
• If you are a normal primate, proceed to #9.

8.  When the nurse stares in awe at your furry chest, it’s best to just laugh nervously.  She will call in for back-up as you are a unique breed.  As the technician and the doctor try to find a hair-free area to stick the sensors congratulate yourself in your own masculinity (unless you are a woman.)

• If your ego survived this ordeal, proceed to #9
• If your ego was destroyed by being confronted with your own freakishness in this culture, proceed to #10

9. Congratulations! You have successfully completed your Chinese physical!!!  A nurse tells you that you can find out the results (you guessed it) “mingtian” i.e. tomorrow at 5:30 p.m.  The next day the form you receive shows that you are “In Good Health” and that Cholera, Yellow Fever, Plague, Leprosy, AIDS, and Psychosis are all “NO FOUND”.  Maybe you’ll be able to survive in a Tibetan village after all (as long as a few rats or scorpions won’t bother you.) Mission completed! Stop.

10.  You seem to have fallen into a cultural pitfall.  Stop and retrace your steps.  Either you asked for help, you had a mental lapse, you played by the rules of your home country, or you just didn’t make the gutsy move that you needed to survive and advance to the next round.  Chances are you are not quite ready for life in the Tibetan countryside.  Take another year in Xining then try again…

11.  Mingtian.  You’ve just lost precious hours or even a whole day in some form of red tape or circular communication.  You can try to correct your mistake, but chances are you won’t get finished with this physical today.  Wait…

12.  Sorry, you are being immediately deported!  Color blind people have no business being in the People’s Republic of China. (Since I passed my color blind test I have no idea whether this is really true, but I imagine I’m not too far off.  Yeah.)  Stop!