I don’t know when it happened, when it all got so serious, but lately my prayers have all turned into implicatory psalms.  Here’s an example of one that I hijacked from King David (italics mine):

Psalm 59 (Abbreviated and Remixed)

Rescue me from my enemies–the rats, O God.
Protect me from those who have come to destroy me and my Tupperware storehouses.
Rescue me from these criminals;
save me from these murderers of my peace of mind.

They have set an ambush for me (and I for them.)
Fierce furry enemies are out there waiting,
though I have done them no wrong, O Lord (besides set reasonable boundaries for them.)
Despite my innocence, they prepare to kill me with their arrogance.
Rise up and help me!  Look on my plight!
O Lord God Almighty, the God of Israel,
rise up to punish hostile nations of Nimh.
Show no mercy to wicked-tailed traitors.

They come at night,
snarling like vicious [hamsters on steroids]
as they prowl the [countertops].
Listen to the filth that comes from their mouths,
the piercing swords that fly from their lips.
"Who can hurt us?" they sneer in squeaks.

Because of the the sinful things they say,
because of the evil that is on their [teeth]
let them be captured by their pride in my snares...

Destroy them in your anger!
Wipe them out completely!
Then the whole world will know
that God reigns in Israel and in every kitchen cupboard of Jianzha township!

This is what I find myself praying in the deep, dark hours of night before I fall into troubled sleep.  Like I said, I’m not sure when this became such a spiritual matter, but it has.  As I’ve recounted my war stories with people around the world, I’ve gotten a lot of advice.  Try peanut butter, try jelly, try bubble gum, try poison, try focaccia bread, try voodoo dolls, try peaceful co-habitation, try Cheese Wiz. 

But what I’ve been trying to make everyone understand is:  You just don’t understand!  These are hyper-intelligent, probably military-engineered rodents from hell.  Think Jason Bourne with whiskers and a tail.

I appreciate everyone’s advice, empathy, and concern; I really do.  But unless you are currently living in an inner-city crack house, you haven’t seen rats like these in a while–in your immediate living "zone" (garages and woodsheds don’t count).  This is a different playing field entirely.  So I’ve been resorting to spiritual warfare.  It seemed the only recourse.  So last night as I was humming the Lord’s Prayer and setting my traps, I think I was divinely inspired.

Since, the night before, the Nimh Boyz had eaten through a bit of a tupperware lid to get as some bread dough (huh?) I decided to use a bit of dough as one weapon in my arsenal.  I also gave peanut butter another try on trap #2.  But as I was holding metal trap #3 I had a vision: 

I saw the sun fall from the sky and lightning crashed over the face of the earth.  The mountains shook as tidal waves crashed over the surface of the deep.  As the sky bled to magenta a black horse rode forth; on this steed’s back was a blood-red sausage-shaped creature wielding a scythe of the Apocalypse…and Pepperoni was his name.

After the vision vanished, I got up off the kitchen floor and shook my head a few times.  As the fog cleared, I knew what must be done.  But it was not a decision without sacrifice.  Pepperoni is a sacred Import–the holiest of hard-to-come-by food from home.  This delicious pizza topping sent all the way from America would perhaps be the required sacrifice that might, just might, move the hand of God.  That was my hope at least.  So slicing a chunk off, crossing myself, and then wedging the pepperoni carefully onto the trap, I left it in God’s hands.

This morning, as sunlight poured into the kitchen windows and Handel’s Messiah erupted from a chorus of angel tongues, a dead Behemoth of a rat (in the latter stages of rigor mortis) lay under the metal bar of my trap–with its teeth still imbedded in the sacrificial piece of pepperoni.  I immediately knelt in prayer.  Yes, when this became a spiritual battle it soon lead to victory!  You can’t imagine my joy and thanksgiving.

Though the war still rages, the whole world now knows that God still reigns in Jianzha kitchens! To Him Be the Glory!