Last night while I was waiting for my coal to get to the desired temperature I practiced my Jedi light-saber techniques under chilly starlight.   As I swung the walking stick to and fro, twirling it around my arm, dispelling hypothetical Sith Lords and Orcs with each lethal blow, I had a wave of swash-buckling nostalgia.  Going back in time to my childhood, it felt good to just let loose a little bit under cover of night (where no one could see me and break into fits of spastic laughter)–Ah, to join in an invisible battle once more.

As you might have already guessed, I’ve been reading John Eldredge again.

Yeah, I know.  How can a sensitive, literary, suburbanite like myself be into the adrenalin-fueled, bare-back riding, wilderness machismo of John Eldredge?  It is a deep mystery.  I admit that when I first read Wild At Heart I did want to run naked through the forest smudged in Indian-warpaint screaming Navajo battle cries.  But this sensation faded as reality set in.  I just don’t like the idea of sky diving, bungee jumping, or getting into the ring with a four-foot tall Thai kickboxer. Maybe that’s because I never went through the proper rights of passage into manhood?  Or maybe it’s just because I like simpler things, e.g. like being alive and uninjured?  In truth, my heart "comes alive" most on overcast days, sipping the java, digging into a good book, and humming along to Miles Davis as my body conforms to the shape of a very comfortable chair.  It’s a bit boring for some, but it does it for me.

So why am I dipping back into the Braveheart-for-breakfast diet of Mr. Eldredge you might ask?  Because of the interesting title of his book, Waking the Dead.  I’ve owned the book for a few years now, but I abandoned it after only a few chapters on my first attempt.  The first time I read it I thought Eldredge was just trying to work all of his favorite movies, novels, and children’s stories into his take on theology and Christian living.  Let’s face it, the guy is a notorious over-quoter.  At the time I also felt like it was just Wild At Heart remixed.  So I shelved it.

But this time around, I picked up the book mainly because I was feeling a bit under-animated, inorganic, stale, or in laymen’s speech, dead.  I’m glad I gave it a second chance because this time around it fit better into my life and experience.  Where it hadn’t two or three years back, now it suddenly seemed applicable.

As many of you know (or may have inferred) over the last six months I’ve been going through a bit of a third-life crises (i.e. I plan to live to be 99–so you can do the math).  I’ve lost loved ones, questioned my occupation, fretted over unrealized creative potential, and been angry about injustices in my little world and the broader one.  In the midst of it all, I’ve also had a long stretch of wondering, "Where’s God?!? And what am I doing wrong here?"  Without going into a lot of detail about the nitty-gritty of it, you’re informed readers I’m sure, let’s just just say it’s been like walking a tightrope of faith, with combat boots on my feet, and a walrus on my shoulders.  I’ve been holding my breath for what seems like a very long time (in part because the walrus has nasty fish breath, but mostly because I’ve been a little fearful of my sense of balance).

And then one day, out of the blue, I had a strange thought.  "Wonder if any of this could be spiritual?" I asked myself in my best Church Lady voice.

Yeah, I’m a pretty sharp ladle in the silverware drawer of spiritual insight.  Watch yourself, sonny, or you could be fatally…scooped…to death?!?  Anyway, after 2 years of Christian college, 6 months in  YWAM, and nearly three years..ahem, doing what I do…you’d think I’d have jumped to this conclusion a mite bit sooner.  But, no.  The elephant was reclined on the LazyBoy and I somehow missed him as I reached past his trunk for the remote control…

After this eureka moment, I actually started to look at my state-of-mind and emotional-spiritual state from a more unseen "spiritual" perspective.  Perhaps my depression, my sense of despair, my nagging doubts and frustration was not totally self-induced after all.  So that’s how I started to pray about things.  "Lord, if this is a battle we are in, help me fight back!  Better yet, fight for me!" 

And it was amazing how the "cloud" around my heart and mind just lifted.  A blog post can’t do it justice.  The term ‘like night and day’ would be an accurate way to describe it.

But that gets me back to Waking the Dead.  After coming out of the "spell" I was under, I felt like I needed a bit of new life breathed back into me.  Who wouldn’t want to be awoken from the dead?  So I skimmed Eldredge’s book again. 

His first premise: we are in a battle and things are not what they seem to be.  The second premise: the battle we were thrown into by being born is a battle for our hearts.  Third premise: our Enemy would like to destroy our heart and put us in bondage to him but because of Christ our hearts are now good and they matter to God.  Finally: we must live from our hearts and fight the battle to help others live the free, full lives that Jesus promises to those who follow Him.  It is a story about myth, healing, and restoration.  It was exactly what I needed.  I know this is a simplistic summary of the book, but essentially this is what spoke to me, especially the part about our hearts being transformed into good.  It’s so easy to forget what sanctification looks like because of Christ’ work.  Much easier to make agreements with the Enemy and believe all kinds of horrible things about our inner self and life.  Putting this framework of thought (battle analogy) around my recent dilemmas, concerns, and questions really helped me find meaning and purpose again (as strange as that may sound.)

So even though I’m not ready to try my hand at ice-cave spelunking and can find areas where I’ll disagree with him, it seems I am back on the John Eldredge bandwagon.  And I’m ready to pick some fights–the good kind of course–like I’ll need to.

This post seems a bit disjointed.  I’ve gotten out of practice with these confessional type posts I guess.  Makes them feel awkward.  But I needed to offload this information so my writing brain can begin functioning again.  In the meantime, there are a few backyard dirt dragons yet to be slain… 

Bonzai!