The Rotten Tomatoes Critic Consensus for Trapped in Paradise (1994) was that the movie was, “Loaded with talent but borderline unwatchable, Trapped in Paradise will leave viewers feeling the first part of the title and pining for the last.”

🤣🤣🤣

So I guess they’re saying it’s not very good?

Picturing a Christmas movie with Nicolas Cage and SNL funny men Dana Carvey and Jon Lovitz (at their prime) you’d think it would definitely deliver a few chuckles, some warm-hearted levity, or at the very least some groan-worthy gaffs or meme-fodder to feed the the cult-classic crowd. You might think all that, much like the producer(s) of this movie did, and then you’d watch the movie, and you’d realize you were still dead wrong. Deader than the ghost of Jacob Marley.

Only a Christmas miracle could have helped Nicolas Cage (and this audience of one) escape from being Trapped in Paradise, and unfortunately that miracle never came for him or for me.

Why it’s bad: the plot

Trapped in Paradise is the story of three Italian (?) brothers: the Firpos. Bill Firpo (played by Cage) is the dutiful and hard-working son who supports his widowed mother as a restaurant manager, while trying to keep his paroled goofball brothers, Alvin (Carvey) and Dave (Lovitz) from returning to jail. Alvin, who throughout the movie talks a bit like a Ren & Stimpy character, is an imbecilic kleptomaniac who stuffs everything he sees (including Pez dispensers, handfuls of Cap N’ Crunch cereal, ski masks) into his deep pockets wherever he goes. Dave seems to be playing the low-fi con man, a reprisal less funny version of his pathological liar from SNL, Tommy Flanigan. Bill plays the exasperated straight man, one part Larry from the Three Stooges and one part a more mellow version of his Michael character from Red Rock West.

Although Bill just wants his ex-con brothers to step in line and fly right, the two numbskulls quickly pull Bill into a half-baked scheme by convincing him that he’s been implicated in a crime they claim to have committed. As a result, the three brothers flee New York and head to Paradise, Pennsylvania on a tip about a bank robbery score that Dave overheard while in prison that came via a crime boss, Caesar Spinoza (played by Frank Pesce).

In Paradise, the Firpo brothers attempt to rob the low-security provincial bank taking most of the town locals hostage to pull it off. As they attempt to escape with the bag of money, they are waylaid by an assortment of characters including some deputized local store owners, state police / FBI, an escaped and vengeful Caesar, and Paradise’s own version of the girl next door, Sarah Collins (played by Madchen Amick.)

As a Christmas blizzard swirls around them, the brothers attempt to flee Paradise in a Planes, Trains, and Automobile sort of boomerang exodus that continually leads them back to the town. Whether they are traveling by greyhound bus, by boat, or by horse-drawn carriage, the brothers keep running straight into the locals who exude so much kindness and generosity to the men who have robbed them that they begin to question the ethics of their behavior. Ultimately, the brothers choose to return the money they have stolen just as all of their pursuers converge upon the town.

In true Hallmark movie fashion, Spinoza and his crew are apprehended, the money is returned, the town locals claim no knowledge that the Firpo brothers ever really harmed them, Alvin / Dave are chastised for their actions by their mother, and Bill has somehow had time to convince Sarah that she really loves him.

As dumb as this movie sounds in its narrative retelling, it was actually worse to actually to watch.

Why Nic couldn’t save it (even with a few highlights to his credit)

While this movie was not one of the three in his Sunshine Trilogy, Trapped in Paradise was a transitional movie at the tail end of them. His character seemed stuck between a rock and hard place. Bill wasn’t exactly a good guy (like Jack in Honeymoon in Vegas, or Charlie in It Could Happen To You) but he wasn’t really a deranged criminal (Eddie in Deadfall) or a comedically bumbling criminal (like H.I. McDunnough in Raising Arizona). His character felt a bit like an angry babysitter who decides to give in and let the middle school boys be boys while continuing to berate them and boss them around to keep them from getting too out of line. The combination of this somewhat unbelievable straight man playing along with the whims of his two buffoon brothers inside a such bad script made for a pretty muddled affair–it was neither a true holiday film, nor a legitimate heist film, nor a buddy road comedy. The movie didn’t seem to know what it was and neither did Nicolas Cage (it seems).

Probably the only highlight worth mentioning for me was the ill-conceived robbery attempt where the brothers chose to wear ski masks over their faces and sunglasses. When the bank manager was not available to open the vault, Bill and Alvin crossed the street to the local cafe and lead the entire restaurant patrons and staff (including the located bank manager) back to the bank at gunpoint to unlock the vault.

Best movie quotes from Trapped in Paradise

“Oh my god a gun. A guuuuun. A guuuun.” [BILL full of sarcasm] after firing his gun three times in the air.

“I have a gun and you’re talking about the Winter Fest. Well WHO are YOU!?!” [BILL]

“You do what you do. I do what I do.” [ALVIN] repeated this statement over and over and over again.

“I’m sorry. I apologize for my brother. He’s…ah…mentally…retarded.” [BILL…I think?]

Firsts for a Nicolas Cage character as Bill Firpo

• First Christmas movie! 
• Driving a real Uncle Buck beater of a car
• Impersonating an officer
• Job as restaurant manager
• Singing a Christmas Carol
• Wearing a fur trapper hat
• Awkward kiss attempt (spurned)

Recurrences

• Movie with a parole board hearing (see Raising Arizona)
• Smoking (Multiple)
• Bank Heist (see Raising Arizona, Wild at Heart)
• Sharing screen with a Twin Peaks actress (Wild at Heart, Zandalee)
• Rowing a boat (see The Boy in Blue)
• Turns over a table in a tantrum (Multiple)
• Hostage situation (see Amos and Andrew)
• In a confession booth (see Zandalee)

Because watching this movie felt a lot like being trapped a long, long way from paradise, I’ve spared you many of the sordid details I’d normally share in a post.

You’re welcome for that!

Sometimes you’ve just got to flush it and move on to the next one.

(Even the FBI agents looked too bored for this film.)