As if reviewing Vengeance: A Love Story wasn’t bad enough, now we have to follow it up with this pile of hot garbage? It’s almost inconceivable to me that Nicolas Cage would follow up a very bad movie with a worse one, and yet, he tried.

OK, I’m not sure that Inconceivable (2017) was actually worse than V:ALS but it definitely wasn’t much better. I don’t really want to even review it because no one should ever, ever watch this movie, but since it was bad in different ways from WATC(H) # 79, we’ll go through the motions.

The World According to Dr. Jonathan Baker

Dr. Jonathan Baker (Nicolas Cage) is a well-off doctor who enjoys his morning runs, cuddling with his wife Dr. Angela Baker (Gina Gershon) and spending time doting over his cute daughter, Cora. He has a luxurious mansion, a Harley Davidson, and a happy marriage, but he wants a bigger family. He wants to add a son to his near-perfect life.

This movie is not about Dr. Jonathan Baker. Nicolas Cage is completely wasted on this film.

Angela has given up her satisfying career to stay home and take care of Cora, hang out with the local wives of Orange County, and get in some weekly yoga and wine sessions with the gossipy moms. 

This movie is not about Dr. Angela Baker. It is and yet it isn’t.

This movie, like the film genre that includes The Hand that Rocks the Cradle, Fatal Attraction, and (to a lesser degree) Mrs. Doubtfire, highlights a seemingly innocent person entering a peaceful family dynamic pretending to be one thing and actually being something much more nefarious (and psychotic). 

Enter Kelly (Nicky Whelan) a blue eyed, blonde haired single young mom who befriends Angela through the Trojan horse of her daughter, Maddie (and Cora’s fast friendship). Kelly is soft-spoken, artistic, and empathetic. After their meeting through a mutual a friend, Kelly befriend’s Angela, but has her eyes on Cora and Jonathan all along.  

This movie is about Kelly. Kelly is crazy. 

At the very beginning of the movie we see her brown-haired and brown-eyed, murdering a guy (who seemed to be angry with her) and seizing a baby from a crib. Without going into most of the boring details, we learn that Kelly donated embryos (3 eggs) for adoption (for IVF) years before. Due to some kind of medical issue, she was no longer able to produce embryos of her own and therefore couldn’t give birth to a child. Traumatized by this she becomes obsessed with locating the children she felt was her. 

One was (surprise) Cora, the other was (surprise) Maddie, and the third was (surprise) Angela’s child to be.

But because of a bad miscarriage situation and because Angela was not wise to what was happening, Angela and Jon agree to allow their new friend (and boarder) Kelly to be the surrogate for their embryo which Angela is physically unable to carry.

Although Kelly’s behavior becomes more erratic as she nears term, Angela trusts her, until it is almost too late to do otherwise. Kelly manipulates both Maddie, Jonathan, and to a lesser Angela, until Angela realizes that Kelly is not who she claims to be and that she has a secret past that ultimately has lead her to their doorstep.

As is common for this family “thriller” genre, Kelly gaslights the family and convinces everyone that Angela is a drug user and coming unhinged even going so far as to stab herself and blame it on Angela’s jealousy / mental problems.

In the end, DNA evidence convinces Dr. Jonathan B that his wife was right, Kelly is bad, and that they must send her to jail where she belongs.

Inconceivable

There’s a long list of things that made this movie terribly boring to watch. The most egregious crime was how little Nicolas Cage was used and how boring his role as faithful father and pseudo jogger were in the storyline. Here’s just a sampling of the inconceivable story points. It makes me groan just thinking of it.

Inconceivable Things

• Cage running in a knitted hat and a sweatshirt over a long sleeved shirt. Yeah. 
• That Cage is in another shitty straight-to-video movie with a terrible script.
• That his hair just keep getting more and more late-life Elvis and he is unashamed of this.
• Inconceivable that this is a low-rate version of The Hand That Rocks the Cradle
• That Katie is a house painter and brings her daughter with her on jobs (she’s never painted a house I bet.)
• Persuading Katie to not move and instead nanny their child and live in their guest house after knowing her for a week or two.
• That Jonathan pulls a Clark Griswold by spying on Katie while she swims topless at the pool 
• That too-old Faye Dunaway plays the Joker is both inconceivable and a reality
• Katie trying on Angela’s clothes the first time she is back at her day job. So cliche for a psychotic thriller stealing one’s life motif.
• That this movie might actually be worse than a slow and steady Xanax overdose.
• That Jonathan actually drug tests his wife on the accusation of this interloper.
• Police showing up to arrest and remove a woman who (however guilty) just had a C-section birth.
• That this family oriented trauma movie would come after Vengeance: A Love Story but before Mom & Dad. Inconceivable. What was going on in 2017?

I have nothing else to say about this movie other than: “Inconceivable!” 

Firsts for Nicolas Cage as Brian

• First time playing a doctor
• First time married to a doctor
• Owning a Harley
• Spooning with his wife
• Getting spurned by his wife while trying to make whoopee
• Asking his wife to provide a urine sample to prove she is not using drugs
• Taking kids to the zoo

Recurrences

• Running for exercise (8MM, Windtalkers, The Runner)
• Riding a chopper with a Harley engine (Ghost Rider)
• Living in a palatial mansion (Trespass)

Quotables

“For me Purple Rain is actually a song about fatherhood.”

“Thank God I’m not a single father.”

“She said Katie gives her the ‘quote’ willies, ‘end quote’.”

“God, you can be so abrasive.” [Speaking to his mother]

“Whatever my mom said, she can’t help it. Ignore her.”

“You’ve put our baby’s life at risk!” 

“Are you on something right now?” 

“I don’t want to lose my son, Angela!” 

“Prove it. I want a urine sample.” 

“I’m here, baby. I’m here.”

“I want you to take a good look. Because it’s your last.”

Does somebody need a snuggle? (After these last two movies, I know I do…)