| 0 | The Best of Times | Nicolas Cage was a teenager once, it’s hard work, and he started out as a “never nude”. |
| 1 | Fast Times At Ridgemont High | Even big movie stars have humble beginnings, As Brad’s Bud the fry cook, he barely said a word, but did pin an “I AM A HOMO” sign on someone (Tsk-Tsk.) |
| 2 | Valley Girl | Like totally tubular, Nic Cage hides in a bathroom to meet a Valley girl from across the tracks, and then he pulls some Rushmore-esque shenanigans to win her affection. |
| 3 | Rumble Fish | If you steal your best friend’s girl, there might be a black-and-white rumble in middle-America, and the name Rusty James may get dropped 42 times unnecessarily. |
| 4 | The Cotton Club | Nicolas Cage does some prohibition-era dirty dancing with Jennifer Grey (pre Swayze) and ends up dead in a phone booth via Gatling gun. |
| 5 | Racing with the Moon | Nicolas Cage and Sean Penn show what is was like to be pin monkeys, wounded soldiers, and train racers while wooing women before the War. |
| 6 | Birdy | Don’t let your friend convince you to dress up like a pigeon and jump from a roof, and don’t pull your own teeth to get in “character”. |
| 7 | The Boy in Blue | There’s a pretty good reason no one knows who Ned Hanlon is and there aren’t more films about rowing; on the positive side this film is hard to find. |
| 8 | Peggy Sue Got Married | Back to the Future is way better with time travel, but doesn’t offer a nasally Nicolas Cage and young Jim Carey singing in a glittery-suited pink doo-wap quartet. |
| 9 | Raising Arizona | Cage’s masterpiece film where H.I. McDunnough “tried to stand up and fly straight, but it wasn’t easy with that sumbitch Reagan in the White House,” Just see this one always, whenever it’s on. |
| 10 | Moonstruck | Nicolas Cage plays a one-handed baker who threatens to cut his own throat just to prove a point (and his undying love) to his brother’s fiance, Cher. |
| 11 | Vampire’s Kiss | Don’t sexually harass your secretary because you might be a vampire or just a guy who thinks he’s a vampire; also sing your ABCs loudly and often. |
| 12 | Never on a Tuesday | Big fake nose and a sports cars–just wacky. |
| 13 | Time to Kill | Don’t fall in love with the natives and please don’t rape them, then shoot them accidentally, while trying to kill a hyena; it’s a bad look. |
| 14 | Wild at Heart | Erratic, erotic, and truly wild at heart, Sailor Ripley is the perfect amalgamation of personal freedom, individuality, snakeskin jackets and the mad genius of David Lynch: proceed with caution. |
| 14a | Industrial Symphony No#1 | Breakups are hard (nay, apocalyptic). |
| 15 | Fire Birds | The movie that was trying to be Top Gun but with helicopters and the fictitious war on drugs. |
| 16 | Zandalee | Stay away from Cage films set in New Orleans: paint gets on the bed. |
| 17 | Honeymoon in Vegas | Never bet on your wife because what happens in Vegas, doesn’t always stay in Vegas, Elvis. |
| 18 | Amos and Andrew | The movie where Nicolas Cage and Samuel Jackson poke fun at racial tensions and home invasions–only that joke isn’t very funny anymore (awkward). |
| 19 | Red Rock West | Life gets pretty tricky when you pretend to be Lyle from Dallas (Dennis Hopper) for a little extra cash. |
| 20 | Deadfall | The best WORST film in the Nicolas Cage filmography–his bro directed it, it was a big time bomb in spite of its star power–Cage gets deep-fried in the end and Christopher Coppola adds the salt in my comment section. |
| 21 | Guarding Tess | Working in the Secret Service is a thankless job and this is the strangest mix of a comedy-turned-thriller you’ll ever see. |
| 22 | It Could Happen To You | Rosie Perez was kind of being a bitch, but I mean that is a lot of money to share with a waitress you just met, Nic. |
| 23 | Trapped in Paradise | You’ll feel trapped, not in paradise, watching this dumb film about Nic Cage trying to look after his mentally-challenged thief brothers, Dana Carvey and Jon Lovitz (it’s worse even then it sounds). |
| 24 | Kiss of Death | Why isn’t bench-pressing a prostitute ever considered as an Olympic sport; wife-beaters and guido vibes abound from Little Junior Brown. |
| 25 | Leaving Las Vegas | It won him an Oscar and it’s a pretty good argument for anyone who is ready to stop drinking. |
| 26 | The Rock | Alcatraz is occupied by a disgruntled military unit who have chemical weapons, Nicolas Cage becomes the action star needed to stop them (with the help of a slippery Sean Connery). |
| 27 | Con Air | It’s Cage’s flowy locks that people will remember most, but my life advice is to steer well clear of Con Airlines–there is no first class on those planes. Always worth a watch though. |
| 28 | Face/Off | John Woo teaches us about the enigmatic Love Touch while Nicolas Cage and John Travolta try shoot each other in black suits–one of the best in the list. |
| 29 | City of Angels | Falling to earth has never felt this sappy, even for an established angel like Nicolas Flipping Cage–watch the OG Wings of Desire instead. |
| 30 | Snake Eyes | Fight night has never been this exciting before, even though you are trying to foil the plot of your good buddy, Lieutenant Dan; hurricanes await. |
| 31 | Bringing Out the Dead | Working the graveyard shift takes on a whole new meaning in this Hell’s Kitchen glimpse of the trials and tribulations of ambulance driver, Frank Pierce; this Scorsese film got spiritual for me. |
| 32 | 8mm | If you know what a snuff film is you’ve probably already formed an opinion and either watched this one already or definitely didn’t; all else need not apply. |
| 33 | Gone in 60 Seconds | Stealing cars has never been as fun as this; it might be a remake, but it birthed an entire industry of Fast and Furious fodder. (Oh, Eleanor…) |
| 34 | The Family Man | The film where Nicolas Cage learns how to change a diaper and go suit-shopping at the mall; be careful what you wish for; this one gets my heartstrings every time. |
| 35 | Captain Correlli’s Mandolin | Nicolas Cage isn’t a Nazi in this film, but he’s Nazi adjacent–don’t worry though, he rights the ship all for the love of his “Greek” Goddess, Penelope Cruz. |
| 36 | A Christmas Carol: The Movie | Nicolas Cage, the Ghost of Jacob Marley, animated–don’t bother. |
| 37 | Windtalkers | In this film, I learned that the Navajo codebreakers helped the U.S. win WWII in the South Pacific and were not thanked or acknowledged for decades–not surprising given our long, tarnished history. |
| 38 | Sonny | Nicolas Cage, please don’t ever direct another film, ever again, America thanks you. |
| 39 | Adaptation. | A movie about a book being made into a movie about a book, Nicolas Cage gets neurotic, and existential, and talks to a more chipper version of himself in this one–alligators eat people. |
| 40 | Matchstick Men | You down with OCD? Yeah you know me. Nic Cage as con man gets long-gamed. |
| 41 | National Treasure | Nicolas Cage meets Indiana Jones and gets Disneyfied–with U.S. history mixed in. |
| 42 | Lord of War | In the arms race, no one wins anything but bullets–learn from Nic Cage: do not sell guns to violent men. |
| 43 | The Weather Man | Archery and meteorology have things in common in this film and some dads are just built differently–cut them some slack and don’t throw burritos at them. Uh-oh to the camel toe. |
| 44 | The Ant Bully | Animated ants. Wizards. Whatever. |
| 45 | World Trade Center | The film where Nicolas Cage is trapped beneath the rubble of one of the twin towers on 9/11 for the entire film–true-to-life, heroic and very boring to watch. |
| 46 | The Wicker Man | Oh, not the bees. Really the bees were the least of his concerns; life advice would say to steer clear of all solstice festivals on remote islands. |
| 47 | Ghost Rider | Comic book Cage does some administrative tasks for the devil and when not on fire or riding a Harley, he drinks jelly beans from a martini glass. |
| 48 | Grindhouse | You can watch Cage’s two-minutes of screen time online if you don’t mind some odd cultural appropriation and seeing some breasted werewolf Nazis. |
| 49 | Next | Being a 2-minute Nostradamus isn’t all it’s cracked up to be–still not sure I followed the logic at the end…Next. |
| 50 | National Treasure: Book of Secrets | Ed Harris is similar to Nicolas Cage in the way he makes every film he’s in at least a little bit better; he makes a nice history-buff nemesis for Benjamin Franklin Gates in this History Channel sequel. |
| 51 | Bangkok Dangerous | Ever fall in love with a deaf mute Thai pharmacist while waiting for your prescription to be filledm, in your downtime as an assassin? Yeah, me neither, but I’m not Nicolas Cage. |
| 52 | Knowing | The numbers say, “It’s the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” but only Nicolas Cage knows how to read those alien digits. |
| 53 | G-Force | A foray into Disney live-action where Nicolas Cage voices a mole who’s a literal and figurative mole; take it for what it’s worth. |
| 54 | The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans | He really is a bad lieutenant in this one, even stooping so low as to bully and assault an elderly woman with an oxygen mask, but all’s well that ends well I guess. |
| 55 | Astro Boy | Blah, blah, blah, anime, blah, blah. |
| 56 | Kick Ass | Knock-off Batman, Big Daddy, trains his daughter to be a vigilante to hilarious results; a surprisingly good addition to Nic Cage’s filmography. |
| 57 | The Sorcerer’s Apprentice | It’s not Mickey Mouse and broomsticks, but you should never underestimate the power of a tastefully-decorated vase or Nic Cage in a fedora. |
| 58 | The Season of the Witch | Not to spoil anything, but there’s a demon in that witch; and Nic Cage as a crusader (even a disillusioned one) doesn’t really work for me. |
| 59 | Drive Angry | Mid-coital, bare-assed shootout with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and the gun pointed at cultists in the other; Nicolas Cage breaks out of hell to save his grand-baby. |
| 60 | Seeking Justice | Generally universal life advice: don’t ever agree to do a carte-blanche favor for someone when you don’t know what it is or when it will be required. |
| 61 | Trespass | If the term, “there’s always money IN the banana stand” means anything to you, you’ll recognize that Kyle was kind of pulling the same Bluth scheme, and he almost lost it all to a home invasion. |
| 62 | Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance | They made another? How come? And no jelly beans this time… |
| 63 | Stolen | Stay away from films set in New Orleans: melting the gold was really easiest way?!? |
| 64 | The Croods | Cavemen dads are over-protective, in cartoon form. |
| 65 | The Frozen Ground | Biopic serial killer crime drama flick starring John Cusack and Nicolas Cage–it was better than it sounds. |
| 66 | Joe | There’s a job out there where people purposefully poison trees? Only in Texas. Nicolas Cage once said Joe was a character very similar to his true personality (or something like that). |
| 67 | Rage | Nic Cage gets really mad when someone kidnaps his teenage daughter. Deja vu. Yes, it’s happened before. |
| 68 | Outcast | Annakin Skywalker doesn’t add much to this Chinese period piece; sticking to my guns here: Nic Cage as a crusader (even a guy with an eye patch) doesn’t really work for me. |
| 69 | Left Behind | Desperate times call for desperate measures I guess; Nic Cage takes on an evangelical Christian rapture movie and somehow lands the plane (literally not figuratively). |
| 70 | Dying of the Light | An aging CIA officer with early onset dementia gets in a knife fight with his terminally ill terrorist nemesis in Africa–it sounds like what it is, but I still kind of liked it. |
| 71 | The Runner | Sarah Paulsen and Nic Cage get busy in the sheets and on the streets of PR campaign trail in this political snoozer. (Contrary to everything I believe in now, this film was not any better due to Nicolas Cage.) |
| 72 | Pay the Ghost | Word of advice: if a ghost is demanding payment for something, overlook the reason behind it, find out the fees required, and just pay it. |
| 73 | The Trust | That time when the morally-flexible policeman Frodo and his boss Nic Cage decided to steal from crooks to pay themselves, and things didn’t go well. Cool too-scale blueprint of the vault though. |
| 74 | Dog Eat Dog | Weird ass movie about three ex-con friends who can’t seem to stay out of trouble; Willem Dafoe is next level “mad dog” and Nic Cage has his moment as Bogart. |
| 75 | Snowden | What I learned was, if you cross them, the U.S. government is not your friend; and Nic is good in this one, but barely on-air, he prefers Budweiser. |
| 76 | U.S.S. Indianapolis: Men of Courage | Nic Cage takes on the A-bomb only to have to face shipwreck, sharks, court-martial and hari kari, a.k.a. Life sucks and then you die. |
| 77 | Army of One | Real life story of a weird American guy who tried to hunt down and capture Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan–who better than Cage to take this on. |
| 78 | Arsenal | Unofficial sequel to Deadfall, alternatively titled: Nic Coppola Strikes Back. |
| 79 | Vengeance: A Love Story | Hard to watch due to the subject matter, a woman gets horribly raped in front of her daughter and Nic has to violently clean up the mess of corrupt judicial system. |
| 80 | Inconceivable | It’s inconceivable to me that Nic Cage appeared in this film. I’m going to deny that it happened and move on with my life. |
| 81 | Mom and Dad | Watch this family film on Mother or Father’s day with the kids–I did and it made for some interesting questions we discussed together as a family. “You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around.” |
| 82 | The Humanity Bureau | In a post-apocayptic future, Nic Cage works on the Minority Report until he runs across a rural mother and son whom he’d like to adopt as his own–there are better versions of this type of film out there. |
| 83 | Mandy | Man falls in love with woman–woman gets kidnapped and burned alive by cultists / orcs–man forges battle axe, drops acid, and brutally kills every living man and beast in sight. |
| 84 | Looking Glass | You may be tempted to, but don’t peep into people’s hotel rooms through secret two-way mirrors. |
| 85 | 211 | All I remember is that Nic Cage’s real life son was in this one–he gets shot and dies. The rest is completely forgettable. |
| 86 | Teen Titans Go! To the Movies | Another animated affair for small children–Nic has a thing for Superman though and voices him here. |
| 87 | Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse | Another animated film, but this time more fun for adults, too; it’s the best of the animated lot and includes Nic as the memorable Spider Man Noir. |
| 88 | Between Worlds | Redneck Nic Cage seduces a much younger woman who is currently being possessed by his dead wife; during sex he reads poetry to her by a writer named Nic Cage. |
| 89 | Love, Antosha | Thoughtful documentary about the late great actor, Anton Yelchin; Nic voices some of Anton’s personal journal entries. |
| 90 | A Score to Settle | If you think this is just your standard ex-con Nic Cage getting vengeance for the wrong done to him, you’ll be surprised by the ending–maybe? |
| 91 | Color Out of Space | H.P. Lovecraft would know; you just don’t touch a meteorite or any alien object that falls to earth because chaos ensues. Poor alpacas. |
| 92 | Running with the Devil | Nic Cage has to figure out where in the drug trade supply chain the operation is breaking down, and only after traveling to South America and back, does he realize it’s mostly a domestic problem: Laurence Fishburne. Damn. |
| 93 | Kill Chain | Speaking of chains and South America, this is another revenge film set south of the border where Nic masterminds a nice plot to catch a group of people who traffic, drug, and kill young girls for governments–in broad strokes. |
| 94 | Primal | Weird take on Noah’s Ark where Nic Cage is Noah, and he’s angry and has to kill a deranged special ops assassin with a white jaguar. |
| 95 | Grand Isle | Redneck Nic Cage needs marital counseling, but instead helps his wife kidnap, imprison, and impregnate young women since the randy wifey can’t have babies of her own. Spoilers you say–nah, not really. |
| 96 | Jiu-Jitsu | Trust me, don’t. |
| 97 | The Croods 2: A New Age | Nic Cage goes for the shameless cash grab in his reprise role of voicing Grug, a caveman who just wants to keep the patriarchy going. |
| 98 | The Prisoners of the Ghostland | Post-apocalyptic vision of a nuclear fallout Japan that’s turned into an Old American Western, with phantom zombies, mannequin cults, and Nic Cage in leather suits booby-trapped with bombs. Yes, he loses a testicle. |
| 99 | Willy’s Wonderland | A mute Nic Cage must survive the night in a demented Chuck E. Cheese where all the furry animatronics come alive and try to kill him, since (duh) they are possessed by former employee who were serial killers death cultists. |
| 100 | Pig | Everything about this film is amazing (if a bit sad)–secret foodie societies in Portland, a truffle hunting prize pig, underground Fight clubs, and a beaten and bloody hermit played by Nic Cage. One million stars! |
| 101 | The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent | No words. Such a great tribute to the man, the myth, the legend. See it to believe it. |
| 102 | Butcher’s Crossing | If hours with sharks weren’t enough in U.S.S. Indianapolis, this film goes deep diving into the tragic Old West buffalo hunting trade. You’ll wish you were a dead buffalo by the end of this one. |
| 103 | The Old Way | What happens when Old West gunfighters are autistic? How do they adjust to inscrutable social cues and lack of emotional triggers? This movie seeks to answer those and other compelling niche questions. |
| 104 | Renfield | Finally, Nic Cage is a vampire! Unfortunately, Renfield steals the show here. Funny, over-the-top gory, entertaining. |
| 105 | The Retirement Plan | I wondered, watching this, whether or not Nic should have retired before making it. Thankfully, the films that come after this are much more watchable than this one. |
| 106 | The Flash | I think I mentioned that Nic really wants to be Superman. This time they used bad CGI to make it happen. |
| 107 | Sympathy for the Devil | Now I’m going to be worried about getting car jacked at a hospital parking lot–this one tricked me and I’m not easily tricked.` |
| 108 | Dream Scenario | What if Nic Cage was bald and boring and appeared in everyone’s dreams? What if he was wearing a giant Talking Heads suit and also had things in common with Freddy Kreuger. It’s a dream scenario for me. |
| 109 | Arcadian | Raising two sons alone is hard enough without having to fight off nocturnal mutants that are based on some kind of genetic mutation of Goofy. |
| 110 | Longlegs | Glam rock serial killer Satanist and the best truly creepy thriller since Silence of the Lambs. Happy, Birthday, Lee Harker! |
yeti speak... 